When You Feel Like You're Running in Circles
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There's some tired in my eyes these days,
& some less-than-lovely marks on my fingers from that unshakable nail-biting habit of mine.
The dots of red beneath my nail beds
confess my worries. They expose the burdens I fail to cast on Him.
There's some fretful wander in my soul these days
& some un-gratitude polluting my perspective.
Somewhere between the dawns & dusks, I have forgotten...
a lack of thanks causes a lack of joy—not the other way around.
Somewhere between the dawns & dusks, I have forgotten...
hard & lonely days are expected when following Christ, the endurer of the hardest & the lonely death.
Somewhere between the dawns & dusks, I have forgotten...
the mark of someone who believes—actually believes—in radical Hope is the one who willingly enters discomfort to lend comfort to another.
Because eyes set on the Cross keep us humble & holy & pouring out love—emptying ourselves to then go back to the Father for more, only to give it away again.
& eyes set on ourselves—our comfort, our satisfaction, our reputation— keep us prideful & unchanged & living small, safe lives.
Call yourself a Christian & live a life void of sacrifice for your brothers & sisters
& watch
as the world wants nothing to do with your Christ.
Well, me? I'm in that camp these days. Eyes on myself. Hands of my heart clenched.
A big, bold capital lettered "SERVE ME" sign hanging from the strings of my heart
instead of a hand-written welcome—"I'm here to serve you".
I haven't cracked open my bible in days & I feel it in the crevasses, the deep parts of me.
I'm a little thirstier than normal these days. As I thirst, I think back to the foundation of all that I believe...
I don't follow Jesus because someone told me to.
I follow Jesus because He drew me in with His love one January night, in the 15th year of my life.
His presence as real as the uneven purple paint on my walls (a shade of purple only a 15 year old would think is a good idea).
I was running in circles—chasing boys & weekend alcohol fills & affirmation from anyone & anything.
I was running in circles—looking everywhere to fill this hole in my heart.
15 & dating the boy the other girls thought was cute & homecoming court member & high school musical lead & varsity soccer player as a Freshman & a loving family & a warm home.
15 years old with a full life
& an empty heart.
Then along came this foreign love of God, sweeter than any I'd ever tasted.
Time passed. A caring friend bought me this beautiful, silver-paged bible.
I devoured that thing. Started in Matthew & just. couldn't. stop.
I laid on my silky, gold bedspread for hours—late into the night—underlining those words that were watering the deepest parts of me. Like all the answers I'd been waiting for to all my questions I didn't even know were waiting to be resolved—desperately waiting.
Living waters soaking me in Love. The Greatest Love.
The Greatest Love—intersecting all that running-in-circles.
So here I am 6 years later. 6 years into this mysterious relationship with this Greatest Lover.
It's a Wednesday & I am 15 again.
It's a Wednesday & I am running in circles.
I turn off the iPhone, the laptop & all those screens warring for my attention. I start to sing that song. That song that always brings me back to Safety. Slowly & steadily I remember the words & I remember the feeling I felt that January night.
I am 15 again.
Child-like & needy & thirsty.
His love intersects again.
I stop running in circles & start running to His arms.
"I'm so forgetful,
but You always remind me
You're the only one who brings me peace
You're the only one who brings me peace
So I come, Lord I come
I come, Lord I come
To tell you I love you
To tell you I need you
To tell you there's no better place for me than in your arms
To tell you I'm sorry
For running in circles
For placing my focus on the waves, not on your face
You're the only one who brings me peace
You're the only one who brings me peace
In the storm
In the storm"